quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Actions speak louder than pants.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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