Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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