she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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