Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
false alarm. still invincible.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
