I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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