Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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