i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
