I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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