is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
where are my eyebrows?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
