I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
