I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
