You're my little dorito
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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