My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
