omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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