I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
