I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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