Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
We have so much sex to catch up on
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
