Who wears a wallet chain?!
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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