1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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