Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
