I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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