Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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