Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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