I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
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The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
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I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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