Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
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