that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Acid is not a monday night drug
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
