i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
