My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
