the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
FUCK WHALES
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