My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm getting married
To pizza
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
