Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
