Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
