theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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