Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
