i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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