So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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