i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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