I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
