Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
