Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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