Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Randomize
