i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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