I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Randomize
