I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
