someone get that fucking seahorse.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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