i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
