peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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