I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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