My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
