he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
