he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
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"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
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he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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