You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Randomize
