so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
