your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
