Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
