He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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