watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Everything about him screamed your future.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
How external is "for external use only"?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
