I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
