i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
